Navigating Grief: Healthy Goals to Help Neurodivergent Individuals to Heal
Posted on November 8, 2022 Leave a Comment
By Guest Blogger Justin Black
Both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals may experience a wide range of emotions while grieving the loss of a loved one, from anger and restlessness to trouble eating, drinking, and concentrating. Grief can also affect one’s self-esteem and independence, leading to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
While five stages of grief are commonly observed among neurotypical individuals, those who are Autistic won’t necessarily cycle through these stages in the same way or at all after the death of a friend, family member, or other loved one. The stages are outlined thus: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) often struggle to express their grief in an expected way, or their grief may be delayed. The overwhelm they experience while grieving may also cause them to behave aggressively or display feelings of excitement. They may have trouble understanding death or navigating social situations such as funeral services.
Bereavement may affect neurodivergent individuals differently than neurotypical people, but it’s just as important for those with ASD to talk about their grief and express themselves as best as possible. Here are several healthy goals for neurodivergent individuals to work toward while grieving the death of a loved one, from seeking talk therapy to familiarizing themselves with the different services and events that commonly take place after someone dies.
Familiarize Yourself with Funeral Services & Other Social Events
When someone in your life dies, several types of services and events commonly take place as a way of remembering the deceased person. These include pre-funeral events such as visitations, viewings, or wakes; funerals; and post-funeral gatherings and receptions. You might also be asked a lot of questions you didn’t expect to be asked, either by well-meaning acquaintances or by officials like the Coroner or funeral home (if you are the next of kin). You may be asked to make decisions which might feel overwhelming. There will be an expectation from others about how you behave, how you grieve, you do not need to conform to their idea of what grieving is.
It’s possible that you might feel deeper emotions when a cherished animal dies, and that is perfectly okay. There are no rules about how you must feel or how deeply you are affected by any kind of loss. You do not need to engage with guilt, or regret or anxiety about how you are supposed to react. Sam told me she cried for two weeks straight when her beloved cat Suki was killed in a horrible accident, yet when her human Auntie died, she cried for a few hours when she heard the news, but that was it. Sam found she was affected more by empathizing with how other people were affected, like her Mum who was devasted about losing her sister.
As an autistic individual, understanding grief and navigating social situations such as funerals and visitations can be challenging. It’s important, however, that you’re included in all pre- or- post-funeral events when a loved one dies. These social situations can be made easier if you familiarize yourself with the venues and events in advance: try visiting the venue before the event takes place, looking at pictures on the venue’s website, or asking friends and family what you should expect to happen at the funeral service and other social events.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Talking about your grief, the feelings you’re experiencing, and the behaviours you’re displaying is also important after the death of a loved one. Be sure to talk to your family members and friends about the emotions and behaviours you’re experiencing, as this can help you to understand your own feelings and how others may be feeling as well.
In addition to talking to your loved ones, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be helpful for neurodivergent individuals who are grieving. Look for an autism-friendly therapist, or use the National Autistic Society’s online Autism Services Directory to search for knowledgeable professionals near you.
If you prefer to work alone, you can find many books and videos to support your learning about CBT and so that you can access it for free. Here’s a list you can use to find those books. For videos you can start here.
The Grief Recovery Method can be very impactful if there are ruminations or unresolved issues after someone has died, or if you have experienced any kind of loss (job, relationship etc). If you prefer to work through the method on your own you can buy the book here.
Set Healthy Life and Career Goals
Grief looks different for everyone — especially for those who are Autistic — but losing someone often reminds us of how precious life truly is. It encourages us to make changes in our lives and careers if we’re unhappy and make the most of our time on Earth.
If losing your loved one has encouraged you to make changes in your life or career, you might consider working with an autism-friendly life or career coach. There are also lots of free resources to help you achieve your career goals, from resumé/CV templates to online word processors.
For example, if you use a Google Docs template to create a new resumé, you can then save and download a PDF version of your Google Doc so it can be shared via email or uploaded when applying for jobs online. These free online resumé templates make it easy to include your contact information and details about your education, professional experience, skills, and accomplishments. For a great guide on how ensure your CV or resumé is in tune with modern recruitment expectations see the tips here.
Help is Available
Grief is incredibly challenging, but specialized help is available to neurodivergent individuals who need additional support while coping with the death of a loved one. Life and career coaches, for instance, can help you to update your resumé and set new goals for yourself — while autism-friendly therapists can help you to talk about the feelings you’re experiencing. You don’t have to grieve alone: lots of help is available to you as you learn to navigate the loss of someone you love.
Sam Warner is an autistic interpreter, communications specialist, and speaker.
Connect with Sam online or visit get-your-message-across.com to learn more.
sam@get-your-message-across.com +44 7973 490150
Justin Black created his bereavement site to be a safe space for others to share their stories, read the experiences of others, and remind everyone that they aren’t alone in their grief. You can take control of your grief in a positive and healthy manner, and his hope with the site is to help you do just that. Connect with Justin online or visit https://www.bereaving.net/
Opening Doors – enabling, empowering and delegating in your team. Part 3 of 3
Posted on August 7, 2019 Leave a Comment
The next opportunities gave me the remaining tools I needed to enable and empower.
Continued from Part 2….
I had really thrown myself into this personal development side of life and was enjoying it immensely. It was not long before I was asked to apply for the role of Area Director which gave me oversight of 5 clubs (and approximately 120 members). This brought in the new dynamic of trusting people I barely knew to undertake tasks towards a joint goal. Whilst this was tricky at first I soon found my stride and saw the similarities between this and working with remote teams in my job. I found I was able to help new people grow into leadership roles by using those mentoring skills I had learned all those years ago. I didn’t have to tell them how to do something I could just tell them the outcome I desired. My job was to guide them, check in with them and ensure they felt supported and encouraged. I made myself available and approachable – some needed more help than others but I soon learned to tap into their working styles quickly.
I also learned the power of persuasion. It’s amazing how influential you can become when you say quietly to someone “I can see you doing X. I think you’d be really great at that, why don’t you give it a try?”
The pinnacle of my leadership training to date with Toastmasters was being asked to serve on the District Leadership Team as Administration Manager. Our small team of seven people led the 5000+ members in Scotland, Northern Ireland, Ireland and England (North of London) through their own leadership and public speaking training journeys to help more and more people walk through open doors. The role came with travel, networking, operating at a senior level and ensuing all milestones were reached on time and within budget.
Hmmm doesn’t that sound familiar? – that was what I was doing as a Project Manager!
The skills I learned have also enabled me to spread my wings further. I have started my own business as a communications specialist helping Autistic adults at work/ in to work and I deliver keynotes on the Transition from Follower to Leader and also on Autism in the workplace.
I put on the very first TEDxTelford in 2018 with 15 live speakers and 100 people in the audience and am organising a second one. I was able to lead the organising team, coach the speakers, MC the event and get everything done in good time and inside budget and we sold out a week prior to the event.
In January 2018 I achieved the highest award for all my work in Toastmasters International and can now call myself a Distinguished Toastmaster. Without doubt Toastmasters has been instrumental in my personal development and has opened many doors for me in terms of work and relationships. I believe that in becoming self-aware I have become a nicer person to be around and I have a very full and happy life.
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Opening Doors – enabling, empowering and delegating in your team. Part 2 of 3
Posted on August 7, 2019 1 Comment
Continued from part 1…..Soon after that I wanted more. I became a deputy for one of the Club Committee roles so I could learn the ropes before taking on the role officially. A few months later I was invited to apply for the full role and was voted in. I was now accountable for 23 people’s happiness! Then I was hooked; receiving excellent and useable feedback and evaluation with examples of what worked well, and what could be improved upon; so I could assess how I was getting on in the role. This meant I could make small adjustments to become the best I could be. I thrived and the club thrived.
When was the last time you gave or received great usable feedback with specific examples?
In the Toastmasters training programme I noticed there were many opportunities there for me to lead on projects outside our club meetings. At the time I was planning on applying for the position of Project Manager at work (a promotion) so it seemed ideal. I was excited to get stuck in and thought that doing something that gave back to my Community would be the most rewarding non-work related project.
I started my first Youth Leadership Program with a set of 15 students in an Academy near where I lived. I led a small team of Toastmasters to deliver the material and that meant delegating whole sections to them and watching without correcting them or interfering!
Over ten weeks we guided the students towards the delivery of a showcase event where they all delivered speeches of more than four minutes each on a variety of subjects chosen by the students themselves. It was very well received by their parents and the school principal and I was asked back to duplicate our results with a new cohort. 5 years later I am about to deliver my seventh program….
Whilst all this was going on I was also delivering full training days using the Better Speaker Series and Leadership Excellence Series manuals to members and non-members alike, and I used my High Performance Leadership Project to help me build and coordinate the team I used to deliver the training days. It walked me through from Vision, Mission etc right through to lessons learned after delivery, using delegation so that I didn’t do all the work myself.
Simultaneously I did get the promotion at work and I found the skills I picked up in Toastmasters were essential to my new role of communicating clearly at all levels with many different teams, colleagues, suppliers, stakeholders and customers. It taught me how to give effective feedback and how to delegate. I learned how to listen and lead.
Do you know any leaders who are good at listening?
Read on to part 3…
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Opening Doors – enabling, empowering and delegating in your team. Part 1 of 3
Posted on August 7, 2019 Leave a Comment
With great power comes great responsibility.
If you’ve ever experienced an over-zealous new team leader or manager, you might have this phrase ringing in your ears. It’s common practise for companies to promote members of staff into leadership roles and then develop them once there, instead of giving them the tools to do the job and them promoting them into the role once equipped.
The thing about a Toastmasters International public speaking club is that it provides an excellent opportunity for anyone seeking this toolset and mindset to try it out in a safe place, supported and encouraged instead of looking over their shoulder in fear of making a “career limiting” mistake or worse ruining someone else’s career through poor line management. It’s not just about making toasts or speeches, it’s so much more.
I’m going to share my story with you as I hope to inspire you to consider that there is another way….
Having worked in the corporate world for over 20 years I have experienced and witnessed many shocking and unprofessional incidents borne out of a lack of experience and understanding. The crucial factor to becoming a new leader of any kind is self-awareness; to understand your impact on others and to learn to listen first. Most people are never taught how to be a follower never mind a leader! At school we were told to sit down, shut up and do as we were told! It just felt like all the doors were firmly shut.
My own capability before I discovered Toastmasters was limited – I see that now – but I was unconsciously incompetent then. I would copy other team leaders hoping they were good role models to emulate but that only served to perpetuate bad practise, inconsistency and stressful conversations with disgruntled staff. Nothing seemed to change for the better, and there seemed to be limited formal training, you were supposed to just figure it out. The coping mechanisms and expected behaviours were never explained and I was struggling to be effective and influential.
After joining Toastmasters I was given the opportunity to start learning the skills of leadership by undertaking the role of Mentor. It’s such a simple role, between two people meeting up monthly and one helping the other to achieve specific goals using the benefit of their knowledge and experience. But it taught me how to be a good listener. It taught me to remove myself from the equation – it’s not about me – it’s all about them. It also honed my problem solving skills as I helped them navigate the challenges they faced.
Read on in Part 2…
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Don’t answer my question!
Posted on July 10, 2019 Leave a Comment
Don’t ask me a question if you don’t want to know MY answer.
Don’t you just love it when people ask you a question and proceed to make assumptions and try to answer it for you or worse, only give you a couple of options as replies, influencing your thoughts and closing down any chance of an authentic unadulterated reply.
I don’t know if you have noticed but UK chat-show host Jonathan Ross does this all the time. It’s not called “The Jonathan Ross Show” for nothing – because it’s all about him!
It’s not just irritating to watch it’s exasperating when it happens to you in conversation. In my experience I notice it in networking situations, meeting new people who have, of course already made some assumptions about you based on what you look like and your voice/accent in the first few seconds.
Why do we ask questions?
Surely it is to find out information we didn’t previously know. Why, then, would anyone try to guess the answer, or make assumptions (which are often wrong)? Is it because we hope to show the person we are talking to that we are able to guess accurately what they will say? Is it because we think we might make a connection by showing we are intuitive?
Maybe no-one thinks much before doing it, it’s just a nasty habit they have picked up. The trouble with habits is they are hard to break. You have to form a stronger new habit to override that behaviour or action.
Here’s a question, “Do you care enough about good quality conversations to form a new habit?”
Becoming self aware isn’t an easy or swift practise. Listening skills can be applied to yourself as well as to others. In any and all conversations, try to listen to what you say, what questions you ask, and if you stop talking immediately to hear the real answer.
Successful people listen, remember details and use their charisma to win people over and build strong relationships. They don’t spend their time telling people things or sharing information out. They are gatherers of information and by remembering details along the way, they can make people feel special by mentioning those details when next they meet. For example, when someone asks you how your spouse and children are by name, or how you got on at important event you mentioned last time you spoke.
Here’s another question, “Would you give someone feedback if they were doing it to you?”
Most people baulk at the idea of giving someone feedback. Especially if they have been given poor feedback themselves from others in the past. I wouldn’t expect you to or advise you to give feedback to a new acquaintance but you can give feedback to those you know well. Friends and family and co-workers should be able to receive feedback given kindly, privately and at an appropriate time.
Receiving feedback is an art. I’ll be writing a whole blog about giving and receiving feedback, soon.
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Because Communication is not optional.
Asperger’s and Tips for Coping with Life #3
Posted on March 8, 2017 Leave a Comment
Asperger’s Coping Mechanisms (3 part blog)
There are things in life that are rarely taught or talked about and for neurotypical people it seems they were just born with this knowledge. For those on the Autistic Spectrum (ASD) becoming self-aware, acquiring coping mechanisms and giving yourself thinking time to cope with situations that may arise means you can be less confused and feel more confident.
Remember that your perception of the world is a little different, it just means that your brain works differently. Not everyone works in black and white (all or nothing) most work in greys so it can be harder for them to empathise and understand if you appear to be obsessed or single-minded about something.
There are some books out there with guidance, but I’ve put together my own brief list as not everyone wants to read a book.
Here are some more tips to cope in society when you have Asperger’s
Feedback – Asking for feedback is one of the very best ways to become more self-aware and it will help you to tweak any behaviours that don’t quite give you the results you want. Many people are untrained in the art of giving feedback or evaluation so you may need to help them by coaching them. Tell them what you want to comment on. What did they observe? What was factually correct, what examples can they give, what recommendations do they have for corrective action or improvement? It’s a good idea to coach them to avoid using words like should, must, wrong, bad, awful, difficult, perception, and generalisations. They can’t speak for others and shouldn’t try to, it’s what a lot of people do to take the limelight off them so listen out for “we”…., it should be “I”….. They should just tell you their own personal observations and recommendations from their perspective.
Calendar – Everyone (neurotypicals or Aspergic alike) will have their own preference for scheduling and controlling their time and routine. It’s a common misconception that those on the Autistic Spectrum need a rigid routine and have a meltdown if it’s not stuck to rigidly. However, you might find comfort in a general framework to your life. Spontaneity and being flexible is a useful attribute to practise if it doesn’t come naturally. It can be very challenging working someone who never plans, always does things on the fly and it can make more work for you if you work closely with them, so working with them closely and their manager will hopefully help you to overcome this annoying problem. It won’t go away on its own.
You might need to have plenty of notice of an event, even if it’s as small as a family member coming round for a cup of tea. It might be that anything sooner than two weeks is too spontaneous for you. Try to find out what your most comfortable timescale is so that you can let others know how they can plan in events and meetings with you and whether you need a reminder every few days to help you feel comfortable with it. It takes away your stress and will assure others that you are co-operative and self-aware.
Travelling abroad – Doing homework is the best way to make your trip smooth and event-free. Some airports have 360 degree virtual tours, some airports (like Shannon, Ireland) have special baseball caps for Autistic people to wear (if they want) which will help the staff to be extra kind, careful and understanding of any anxieties that might be displayed.
Planning well in advance and ensuring you have printed out all your documentation the day before, have copies of important documents like Passports kept safe and told someone you trust back home your itinerary and contact numbers at hotels etc. This will give you peace of mind and make the travelling experience much less stressful. I always make a comprehensive list at least a week in advance so that I have time to collect everything together.
Be mindful to ask lots of questions when travelling to new cultures as misunderstandings can arise if assumptions are made about how to behave in society. What might be right in one country might not be in another.
Getting your message across – Self-awareness and self-improvement are the keys to unlocking coping techniques that work. Personal development is a very useful way to tap into your strengths and weaknesses (we all have them) and work on the things we’d like to improve upon. Get Your Message Across can help you do this, building your arsenal of skills for life. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is often forced on people with Aspergers’ because there’s not a lot else out there to help. The key is to find something that works for you and that you can trust, and that you believe in. It’s like saying affirmations – you have to believe them otherwise they are pointless.
Sensory Sensitivity – see my other blog on this subject, as it so vast a subject, for my sensitivity and coping mechanisms.
Remember to read Asperger’s & Tips for Coping with Life #1 and #2 too
For upcoming classroom and online courses on improving your confidence or your communication skills, you can check out Sam’s website below. Sam also conducts coaching for friends and families of those with Asperger’s working on coping mechanisms and challenging behaviours, and life coaching to help with goal setting and accountability.
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Asperger’s & Tips for Coping with Life #2
Posted on January 25, 2017 Leave a Comment
Asperger’s Coping Mechanisms (3-part blog)
There are things in life that are rarely taught or talked about, and for neurotypical people it seems they were just born with this knowledge. For those on the Autistic Spectrum (ASD) becoming self-aware, acquiring coping mechanisms and giving yourself thinking time to cope with situations that may arise means you can be less confused and feel more confident.
Remember that your perception of the world is a little different, it just means that your brain works differently. Not everyone works in black and white (all or nothing) most work in greys so it can be harder for them to empathise and understand if you appear to be obsessed or single-minded about something.
There are some books out there with guidance, but I’ve put together my own brief list as not everyone wants to read a book.
Here are some more tips to cope in society when you have Asperger’s
General Rules – Some rules are rigid and some rules are flexible. It’s very useful to ask clarifying questions to find which are which. It’s important to understand that lots of people say they are going to do things, and then don’t follow through. They mean it when they say it, they are not lying but many people suffer from procrastination or try to please others by saying yes all the time even if they don’t have the capacity to fit it in. It is our gift to be understanding and tolerant of this and help others to achieve their goals by being helpful and supportive, not judgmental and critical. We should never judge others by our own standards as there are rarely the same.
Jobs and Interviews – Body language and the way you dress is very important in interviews, so get some advice from a trusted friend so you don’t create a problem you didn’t need to create. I’m not saying you can’t have a personality and show your style, but it’s probably better to wait until you have secured the job before you do that if you are a little Avant Garde or eccentric (both great attributes to have but not usual for neurotypicals). Try to do some rehearsal with a trusted friend, a little role play, and anticipate which questions you think they will ask so you don’t get caught off guard. You should assume they will ask you things like “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “ Tell me about a time when you overcame a problem or confrontation”. Do some research on the company but don’t be a know it all. Another favourite question is “Tell me about yourself”. This can be confusing as you’ve probably already sent them your CV and application form or letter, but they wan to hear a summary in your own words to hear how you communicate. If they ask about your hobbies, keep it to a brief overview unless they ask more probing questions about a specific subject. Some jobs will be very difficult to do if you have ASD, mostly those that require a lot of public interaction, and making assumptions about human behaviour and using intuition.
Only 15% of all Adults diagnosed with Autism are in work!
You could ring them before the interview if you felt comfortable speaking to them on the phone to let them know you process info a little differently to the general public and you’d like some more direct questions int he interview to help you relax and be yourself. They will get more out of it too, so it’s in their best interests, and if they are not willing to adapt, then chances are they will not make any allowances in the job either – so do you really want to work for them?
When you are in your job you can find out who you can trust and what the rules are, what can be flexible, and how the “game” is played so that you are not at a disadvantage. One of the best things you could do is interview everyone you work with to find out how you will be working with them, what their expectations of you are and so you can tell them how you like to work too.
| Meek | Assertive | Aggressive |
| Looks down.
Keeps his fists clenched (a closed signal). Often speaks too quietly. Steps backwards when spoken to. Has a weak handshake. Is easily put down by others. Is often angry with himself for allowing others to take advantage of him. Is shy and withdrawn in company. Cannot accept compliments. Says ‘oh dear!’ and ‘sorry’ too much. |
Has an upright but relaxed stance.
Maintains eye contact when listening or speaking (for over two-thirds of the time) looking at faces as a whole. Has a firm handshake but not too firm. Is able to say ‘no’ when needs must. Can express his true feelings. Is interested in other people’s opinions as well as his own. Tries to treat everyone as equals. |
Stands still with stiff, rigid posture.
Keeps his arms folded. Shouts and points finger. Bangs desk or table. May give eye contact almost the whole time he is speaking (looking straight into the eyes). Is better at talking than at listening. Likes telling others what to do. Thinks his own opinion is always right. Likes to tell other people they’re useless. Tends to make himself quite lonely because people feel they have to be careful around him. |
Taken from ‘Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome’ by Marc Segar
Education – Bragging and showing off are unattractive and should be avoided where possible. Be assured that in a conversation where you are knowledgeable about the subject – it will come across quite clearly without you having to prove it, or demonstrate it. There are times and places where showing off your knowledge is fine (perhaps at a club of like-minded enthusiasts comparing collections or information). It might be that you are not very good at getting high grades in tests and exams – don’t be put off. Just because you can’t conform to a set way of regurgitating information does not mean you don’t know it and can’t apply it. It is usual that those with ASD have more acute problem solving skills, blue sky and detail vision and the ability to focus like no-one else. Try not to compare yourself with others and celebrate your strengths, whatever they are for you.
Most people don’t understand Asperger’s at all – you have to help them understand sometimes
Social Rules – Its important to keep yourself clean and tidy in order to make it easier for others to stand near you and listen to us and talk to you. If you think people are avoiding you, perhaps check to make sure you have any body odour under control, or you don’t have bad breath or smelly feet. Often people will not tell you about this unless you ask them directly. If they do respond to you confirming it, then the appropriate response is to thank them (not get defensive or have a meltdown) and then do something about it.
Humour and Conflict – An autistic person’s sense of humour is often about things which suggest silliness, ridiculousness or which appear slightly insane. You might find yourself the butt of neurotypicals jokes because they don’t know how to handle someone who is different and have a hard time dealing with their own insecurities. Humour in humans sometimes replaces violence that animals would normally display. If a joke aimed at you is not too harsh it may be a good idea to laugh at yourself. If a joke or some sarcasm aimed at you is too harsh, you can say ‘what do you mean by that’, ‘why did you say that’, ‘what’s that supposed to mean’, or ‘that’s not very nice’. You may have to use your discretion in order to choose a suitable answer but putting someone else on the spot can be quite a good defence. If a joke or some sarcasm aimed at you is downright hurtful, here is a last resort you can use. Calmly say that you found the joke hurtful and ask if it was meant to be hurtful. If the other person says ‘can’t you take a joke’ or messes you around in some other way, stick to your guns and just calmly ask them again if they meant it to be hurtful. If they answer ‘no’ then you have got what you needed. If they answer ‘yes’ then calmly walk away and in future make it very difficult for that person to talk to you until they apologise of their own accord. You will have given them a clear message that their plan to make themselves feel good at your expense is noted and will not be tolerated whilst keeping your dignity intact.
Getting your message across – Self-awareness and self-improvement are the keys to unlocking coping techniques that work. Personal development is a very useful way to tap into your strengths and weaknesses (we all have them) and work on the things we’d like to improve upon. Get Your Message Across can help you do this, building your arsenal of skills for life.
Sensory Sensitivity – see my other blog on this subject, as it so vast a subject, for my sensitivity and coping mechanisms.
Remember to read Asperger’s & Tips for Coping with Life #1 too, #3 coming soon
For upcoming classroom and online courses on improving your confidence or your communication skills, you can check out Sam’s website below. Sam also does coaching for friends and families of those with Asperger’s working on coping mechanisms and challenging behaviours, and life coaching to help with goal setting and accountability.
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
www.toastmasters.org www.shropshirespeakers.org.uk www.ludlowspeakers.org.uk
Asperger’s and Tips for Coping with Life #1
Posted on November 8, 2016 Leave a Comment
Asperger’s Coping Mechanisms (3 part blog)
There are things in life that are rarely taught or talked about and for neurotypicals people it seems they were just born with this knowledge. For those on the Autistic Spectrum (ASD) becoming self aware, acquiring coping mechanisms and giving yourself thinking time to cope with situations that may arise means you can be less confused and feel more confident.
Remember that your perception of the world is a little different, it just means that your brain works differently. Not everyone works in black and white (all or nothing) most work in greys so it can be harder for them to empathise and understand if you appear to be obsessed or single minded about something.
There are some books out there with guidance, but I’ve put together my own brief list as not everyone wants to read a book.
Here are some tips to cope in society when you have Asperger’s
Worrying & Stress – Find people you can trust to talk over your concerns privately. Always ask yourself: “Can I do anything about the thing that bothers me?” If the answer is yes, then do it, even if it’s finding another person to help if it’s beyond your capability. If it’s no, then you can give yourself permission to put that in a mental box and put a lid on it. Your energy is precious, so use it wisely. (Don’t spend it on stress.) In order to solve problems you need to think clearly, you do this with a positive mind. This also helps to stop guilt from creeping in
Positive Mental Attitude – Keep a log of all your achievements, and things you are proud of. You can use this to feel better when things are not going so well. You are not looking at the world through rose-tinted specs by believing that positive things can and will happen. You are choosing to welcome positive thoughts and hope into your mind that will make you feel better about yourself and more equipped to deal with the unexpected. This is something to practise every day. Affirmations can be useful to put you in the right frame of mind at the start of each day but they do have to be believable.
Asperger’s is a gift, we all just need to learn how to use it
Anticipation & Preparation – By anticipating certain situations, you can remove a lot of the stress. If you can run through conversations, scenarios and environments that you are going to face then you can prepare for unexpected events, questions or responses. It means you don’t have to worry so much about knowing the right answer instantly or knowing what is going to happen. You use your imagination to run through the situation in your mind. It’s very calming and gives you more confidence.
Body Language – Includes facial expressions, gestures, eye contact and tone of voice. Unfortunately you can’t learn this like a school subject, everyone is so different and you have to get to know people in order to understand the cues and what certain things mean in a given situation. Sarcasm is one the hardest things to understand and you will earn that not everybody says what they mean. There’s a lot of hints, nuance & suggestion in everyday language. Don’t be afraid to ask questions is the body language doesn’t match the words or it’s just not clear how you should be reacting. It’s unusual for people to be deliberately misleading. Also your use of body language is important in your communication – become more self-aware & think about if it matches your words and intent. Eye contact can be tricky because too much or too little becomes noticeable & sometimes uncomfortable, so a little of both is fine.
People with Asperger’s are all different just like neurotypicals
Conversation – Take turns to allow both parties to have a say. When the other person is talking you need to give them visual clues that you are listening and that can be a nod of a head, saying “uhah” and smiling using a bit of eye contact. If you don’t want to be touched during conversation with someone (not everyone is self-aware and some people are very tactile), you might need to say something or stand a couple of feet away to put some space in between you and them.
Emotional overload – Anger, excitement, joy and sadness are all valid emotions that can be expressed visually, with body language, facial expressions, words and energy. Understanding what is appropriate in a given situation is very helpful because we don’t always want to stand out in the crowd and we want to feel accepted by others, not stared at. It might be appropriate to take yourself off somewhere else for a few minutes to express yourself if the occasion doesn’t fit how you are feeling. But don’t be fake and don’t subdue your ebullience or joy
Not always truthful – Sarcasm, white lies, fantasy play, exaggeration, figures of speech, jokes, teasing, and misunderstandings are all ways that we get caught out. Doubt creeps in. Are they telling the truth? Is this a joke? Do they mean it? Do I laugh now? It can be very confusing and it may take you a while and a kind friend to help you understand who are the serial jokers and fibbers. When you are amongst real friends you can let them know that you are a bit gullible because you take things on face value, and like to keep people to their word. Then they know your boundaries and needs.
| True Friends | Hoax Friends | Enemies |
| Treat you the same way they treat all their friends. | May treat you differently to how they treat others. | May ignore you most of the time. |
| Make you feel welcome in the long term as well as the short term. | Might make you feel welcome in the short term and then drop you in the dirt. | Will make you feel unwelcome and will notice all your mistakes and may bring them to the attention of other people. |
| If they give you compliments they will be genuine and sincere. | Might give you many compliments which are NOT genuine. | May give you anything from sarcasm, put-downs and temper tantrums to the silent treatment. |
| Will treat you as an equal. | Might often make unfair requests of you. | Will often treat you as a less important person than them. |
| May help you to see the truth behind other peoples hoaxes when suitable. | Might want you to make a spectacle of yourself | May set you up to receive aggression or scorn from others. |
| May threaten not to be your friend anymore or play on your guilt if it is to help them get their own way. | ||
| What to do: | What to do : | What to do : |
| Repay them with the same attention they give you and listen to them | Stand up to them and don’t feel guilty about telling them to p*ss off if they have said something which is obviously unfair | You might have done something to annoy them or they might just be jealous of certain skills or knowledge you have. If it is jealousy, they will never admit to it. |
| Accept any compliments they give you by saying a simple ‘thank you’ and then you won’t make them feel silly in any way for having complimented you.
Try to show that you like them using eye contact |
They could be the kind of person who gets pleasure out of hurting people more vulnerable than themselves because they feel weak and inadequate inside. Remember that. | If you find them on their own at any time they might switch to being quiet and shy towards you and you might be able to ask them awkward questions as to why they behave differently towards you than they do towards other people. Also, if they can give you a good enough reason, it might be a chance to apologise if you have annoyed them in some way and say that you will try not to annoy them as much in future. |
Taken from ‘Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome’ by Marc Segar
Friends – Don’t be a space invader (standing too close) and don’t try to monopolise the conversation no matter how passionate or knowledgeable you are about the subject. It’s a lot more pleasant to take turns in talking, but also to have someone listen whilst you are talking, and to be listened to in return. It’s okay to have just a handful of friends, you don’t have to have lots of friends. Just a few that you trust and whom don’t take advantage of you.
Sensory Sensitivity – see my other blog on this subject, as it so vast a subject, for my sensitivity and coping mechanisms.
Read Asperger’s & Tips for Coping with Life #2 and #3 coming soon
For upcoming classroom and online courses on improving your confidence or your communication skills you can check out Sam’s website below. Sam also does coaching for friends and families of those with Asperger’s working on coping mechanisms and challenging behaviours, and life coaching to help with goal setting and accountability.
Sam Warner 07973 490150 Email: sam@get-your-message-across.com
Sam’s website: www.get-your-message-across.com
Too Much! Asperger’s Sensory Overload
Posted on August 28, 2016 5 Comments
Parents with undiagnosed Asperger’s
Having discovered that I’m an Aspie late in life (I’m 43 and found out about 6 years ago) I didn’t know that most of the other people around me were not experiencing sensory overload in the same way as I was. It didn’t help that I grew up in a slightly unusual household, both my parents having Aspergers (but didn’t know it of course). They were sensitive to sound, smells, movement and light.
I have memories of my Father in particular struggling with me sitting on the floor in front of him whilst watching TV. I am a fidget and rarely sit still for long, or I am often to be found doing something else like cross-stitch at the same time as watching. The movement really annoyed him and I was told to sit still or leave the room as there was no-where in the room I could sit away from his peripheral vision. I simply can’t sit still so I spent many hours in our kitchen watching our little black and white portable TV on my own instead.
My Father also had a hard time with strong smells. Garlic was banned from the house, as was perfume, and air fresheners. One quick sniff of my teenage clothes would inform my Dad if I’d had a sneaky cigarette on the way home.
I remember my Father getting really angry when a car engine could be heard idling for a few minutes late one night right outside our house, he put his dressing gown on, went outside and asked them to either turn the engine off or leave!
My Asperger’s has got more noticeable for me as I have got older
My tolerance for these things has got progressively worse as I’ve got older. I might even say like Father like Daughter in some cases. Where I might have thought Dad’s reaction to the car engine was over-the-top at the time, when I have the same situation before me I feel that rush of anger after only a few seconds, so I totally get it. He was actually being restrained!
The problem for me is when several senses are overloaded simultaneously. This poses a problem because I need to withdraw, regroup and make sense of the situations one by one before I’m back to an operational state.
I’ll give you an example. Parking the car. It’s not a particularly hot day but it’s warm enough that as I’m trying to figure out the best space to go in (which can take me a while as I wrestle with the decisions about whether the space is large enough, am I too close to the next car, do I need to get into my boot, do I need to pay?) I get agitated and start to feel hot (touch/temperature), and I turn the radio off because it’s wittering on and adding to my discomfort (sound), then it might be really bright today or there’s a reflection from a window that blinds me for a moment (sight). At the same time some twit walks behind the car as I’m reversing into a space. (sight)….Meltdown!
Here’s how my Asperger’s affects how I react to senses
Taste – I have very sensitive taste buds. My poor hubby loves spices and heat and “exciting’ food, but I’m happy with very simple food because I enjoy all the subtle and delicate flavours. I really struggle with strong flavours and cannot do chillies or garam masala. I also have trouble with certain textures but maybe this is more like a touch sensitivity?
Touch – Being too hot or too cold is difficult. I can equate it to if you really need to pee, it’s all you can think about, nothing else matters. That’s what it’s like for me in extremes of temperature. But I am careful not to inflict my temperature issues on others, I wear extra thermals, grab a hot water bottle, or grab an icepack to go on my pulse points rather than throw open windows or put on the heating to affect others around me. I like to be hugged by people I want to hug. But if someone is idly fiddling with my arm or leg or something I’d have to ask them to stop. If someone was kicking my chair or tapping their leg and shaking the floor, I’d have to ask them stop before I got really really angry. (I don’t turn into the Hulk but it’s not pretty.)
Sound – I have a lot of trouble with repetitive music or music without a clear tune (e.g. interpretive jazz), running engines, hammering, fireworks, very loud noises frighten me, (e.g. balloons popping) garden strimmers, drilling, cutlery on china, and repetitive clicking when playing a video game. Some of these are tolerable if it’s me doing the activity e.g. drilling and hammering, but I’ll often have my earbuds in playing some music instead. Just because I’m a walking contradiction I love really loud music when it’s tunes I love. I’m a rock fan, especially prog-rock band Muse and their concerts are REALLY LOUD! Hand dryers in toilets hurt so much I have to rush out of the Ladies to get away from it. It’s like a slap in the face. I don’t know why – maybe it’s a control thing.
Sight – I’m not a fan of strobe lights, and the similar effect you get when driving past a lot of trees with the sun low in the sky. Bright lights are challenging, but needed in a room when I’m vacuuming! I have trouble with fluorescent lights that flicker, it’s almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything else and I usually have to leave the room. I can liken it to someone poking me in the eye repeatedly. Some colours when put together really “do my head in” to coin a phrase, and I have to look away. Very fast action in some films I can’t watch -it’s an overload.
Smell – If someone smells bad (food related, or body odour or smoke on their clothes) I can’t concentrate on the conversation because the smell is too ‘loud” in my head. I have to step back or try to give myself another smell, perhaps put some perfume on my collar and turn my head, or try to breathe through my mouth. I’m attracted to nice smells like everyone else. I have two cats so I have to make sure the house is clean because I can smell even quite subtle smells and then I can’t think about anything else if they are unpleasant.
Environment – I’m not great with crowds, despite putting up with it for Muse concerts, I feel overwhelmed by sounds and smells and voices. I don’t feel safe and I become very timid and childlike it its really busy. I avoid going to Christmas fayres in cities, or just cities unless it’s a very brief visit, and not on a weekend. I even stay in my seat at concerts until everyone else has gone or we are ushered out of our seats so that I can hang back and let everyone else go head of me.
I know we all react differently to different things in different situations, but it would be really cool if people who are unaffected by this kind of sensitivity were caring and understanding to those who are.
Empathy is hard to force if you just don’t “get it” but it’s within everyone’s personal control to decide how to respond to someone who is obviously having a hard time – it doesn’t matter why they are having a hard time or whether we can relate to it. We can just be kind and offer help and support.
Do you know anyone who has sensory sensitivity? Could they have Asperger’s? Are you sympathetic to their reactions?
See my video on my take on sensory overload HERE.
If you want to know more about me and what I do, visit my website here:
www.get-your-message-across.com
Because Communication isn’t optional.
Facebook Ads – Getting them right first time!
Posted on August 9, 2016 Leave a Comment
Getting Facebook Ads right first time can be tricky
I kept getting Facebook Ads rejected because of various reasons, not always well explained e.g. too many words on my photo.
There are some strict rules that need to be adhered to to ensure your Facebook Ad will be approved quickly especially if you send the prospective customer to a lead page.
There are some things you must ensue you have in place if you want to exploit Facebook Ads fully and turn prospective clients into paying customers.
You can just have Ads on Facebook that direct people to events on Facebook or to content on a Facebook page but one of the most effective ways to use the Facebook Ads is to send people to a landing page or web page to get them to sign up to free content/products or offers that you might be selling. You can say so much more and you can allow customers to see what else you do.
- Choose a compelling picture, either copyright free or take one of your own. Or possibly use a short video.
- Look at other Facebook Ads that you like the look of and see how they phrase their wording to get a feel for what works well (less is more).
- You can’t make claims on the Ad that you will make loads of money or get loads of business or lose loads of weight in a short amount of time…..
- Use FB ads with lead pages to maximise the impact, reach and click rate (which could just be a landing page on your website) or lead page software like Lead Pages, Unbounce, Instapage….
For Facebook Ads to a landing page you must have the following:
- Clear purpose e.g. sign up here for a free monthly email newsletter, or register for a free webinar, or click here to buy something (describe it)
- Branded clearly as yours (so people know it’s your company and not on behalf of someone else they didn’t expect to be affiliated to)
- Must have a Privacy Policy link to your website
- Must have a Terms and Conditions Link to your website
- Must have a Contact Us page link from your website
- If you are using Cookies, you must tell them upfront.
- If it s subscription to an email you must offer an unsubscribe any time option
The key is to be truthful, don’t be mysterious, and be really clear about what you are offering. This Ad sends people off to my website page showing all the courses on offer and how to get in touch to enrol. It simple but I have made sure that I have satisfied all the rules as shown above and it was approved within an hour.
You could choose to have a video on your landing page instead of a lot of words, and that’s really good because you’re giving people a chance to get to know you. Keep it short and sweet, and invite them to engage with you further by signing up. Keep your energy up, be appropriate, check your lighting, don’t be overpowered by music if you use it, and get someone you trust to give you feedback on the video before you send it out.
Facebook Ads targeting
Now you have all that sorted you need to narrow down your fishing net to target your ideal customers. Here’s some of my results from an Ad I ran recently. As you can see my Ad appealed to women more than men based on the choices I made when I put in my target audience. The next time I send it out I can look up what men are interested in and tailor my Ad to that market.
Because you may have many demographics that you target, you can choose to hone in on one at a time in each marketing campaign to get maximum reach. You want your potential customer to read your lead page and say to themselves, he/she is speaking to ME, he/she understands me, and he/she’s got something I want.
What do your prospective clients look like?
What groups are they in? What Pages do they like?
What hobbies do they have? How old are they?
Where do they live? What is their disposable income like?
Do I want to market just to those who have already liked my FB page?
You can narrow down the demographic criteria fairly easily if you imagine your ideal customer and what a day in the life of them is like. Where do they go? What do hey do?
Can you imagine what their life is like and find the right words for them? Tailor each lead page for each potential customer so they feel special and you make a connection with them. If you try to cast your net too wide, you won’t make a personal connection with your prospective clients and no-one will buy.
Facebook Ads are not free
Decide how much you want to spend and how long your campaign and ads are going to be. If you are offering free webinars consider putting them on more than once on different dates at different times to allow maximum attendance. Always remember to sell something at the end of the webinar, you’ve just put all your energy and preparation into giving free content on the webinar, and attendees have got a chance to get to know you so this is a great time to make an offer to them.
Facebook will give you stats on how many people have clicked your ad and how many people signed up for your metrics. (Needed to establish how successful your ad campaign was). Here this shot shows the breakdown on age as my Ad ran for all ages 18-65+. Next time I can target a specific age group to get better targeting.
This one tells me that most of the views were on mobile devices so that tell she a lot about my viewing public. If I was aiming towards the silver surfer demographic I might expect to see many more desktop clicks.
Return on Investment (ROI) is how you will decide if a campaign has been successful and whether or not your price per click is worth it. if it is, you might wan to repeat that offering or repeat that demographic with a new offering that is similar to the previous one if that was what they were interested in.
Hope you found this useful – I am just sharing what I have learned.
Make Facebook Ads work for you – first time, every time
For more info and courses see www.get-your-message-across.com
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